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This is just me journaling about stuff...

I recently broke off with my boyfriend whom I love so much and he loves me too. Unfortunately our circumstances is a problem for us to be together.

We met each other online. Both are broken by life and previous relationships. Took me a while to trust but his certainty of us made me open myself to the world of love. For the first time in my life, I felt alive and living the day with a purpose.

We slowly rebuild our lives and grew stronger with each other's presence.I grown out of my depressions and he start living his life with hope of life and love again. We were each other's rock and ground. Though we never met in person, we were close in hearts.

Couple of years gone by, through hardship and loneliness, through the laughter's and joys of having each other in our lives.. the distance became a problem. The longing of wanting each other in arms became too strong, it turns into hopelessness that the relationship is ever going to make it..

I was determined. I am still. I never lose hope. He's the other of the world, and I am willing to cross the oceans and mountains just to be with him. But he just can't do it..

He didn't want me to go through to too many hurdles and oceans to be with him only to find disappointment that he might not be the man I think he is. That he might not be able to give me what I want and needed, causing me to leave him....

I don;t know why think of that. but I worked hard on this relationship. I have never wanted someone as much as this. I have been preparing myself to be his supporting girlfriend. A future wife... just like we have been talking about.

I don't understand how one can just walked away from a relationship when you're very much still in love with each other?..NO. I refused to take this!

But I saw him. All hope washed from his face. All of our dreams...are just dreams.

This is too much on him. I know him. He is a worrier. His bipolar mind just jumps in every direction, trying to find a way out in the maze he had in his mind. Too many ways but all dead end. Faith is not something he has a grip on. Only facts. Facts that this relationship will costs so much. Facts that I will be so far away in a foreign country away from my family. Facts that he may not be what I want. And facts of the uncertainty...'uncertainty' that may not even happen! But it's in his head. Replaying over and over and over like a broken record. Like a bad song stuck in mind.

My heart is heavy. I have faith in this relationship. Big enough for the both of us. But no matter how hard I try, I can't shoved the faith down his throat even if I try.

With tears in my eyes...I told him...I will let go...

I prayed to God that he give me peace to let go of things...but everytime I do my feelings of this relationship becomes even stronger. I don't know if God telling me to hold on, or is t just my feelings..

Either way, he blocked me on facebook and everywhere where I might send him message.

I missed him. I wonder how he is doing. I want to know...but I respect the space he made between us. And I will try to move on too..

 'Let them go, if they return,they're meant to be yours...if they don't, no matter how hard you tried, you are never meant...'

So, I'm trying to write off my everyday, having no contact with him, trying to forget.
Everyone goes through this, I know....but I guess different people grief different ways...
I'm just here...silently and still......

Thank you for reading...