Day 5 - Understanding

Day 5

Not feeling very good today...physically..

I don't feel like participating in life.  Feeling all weak, and my emotions kind of slipping sometimes. I tried to keep the faith on from time to time. Tiring day. I don't know what I did, but it was tiring..

I re-remind myself about his disorder and it got to me. I got it when he said, he's afraid that he couldn't give me what I want, ad would be disappoint to know that he is not what I think he is.. Although I'm not afraid to find out, I just couldn't convinced him that. He was to fix on what he thinks what would be. And I don't blame him. His bipolar mind is something he can't control. I've seen him trying very hard to be as normal as anyone else, but he just couldn't be.

But I accept him as he is. I accept the way he thinks. I accept his struggles. I accept his "messy" life - as he said it is. He feels there's too many things unsettled in his life, but I believe it's all about timing. Time when it's all going to unfold, as God's want in his will. He feels like he is going to live like this forever. Undeserving of love. And all the problems he's facing, he doesn't want to burden anyone else, as he's family is already paying the price of his bipolar. I understand his way. Pushing people he love because he doesn't want his bitterness to bother anyone, at the same time wanting the love of the love ones. And deciding what he wants is a lot of pressure, affecting his whole body and mind.

Feeling weak today but I understand why he broke me off. I think, He's trying to stay away from me. He's trying to keep his troubled life away from being a burden  to me. He wants me to have a life that's better than he could give. One without his unpredictable thoughts and acts. One that doesn't include of taking care of someone who is mentally ill. He seen it how it's taken a toll on his family, and even to himself. He doesn't want it to happen on me..It's understandable. 

But hearts are involve here. Not just strong feelings. A connections. I am understanding him, and I would rather do this than being all emotional and bitter for this breakup. Because I believe he deserve all the love in the world. Twice as more as he gave to others around him. He deserve to be in love immensely, and be loved deeply. I have faith in this. 

And I believe everything will happen in His time. And however His will is, I believe it's better than I would have ever imagine. 

I am just waiting still here, and let God.