Day 12
My heart is a little weak today knowing that he's doing a contest with a lady friend. It's not about doing something with another woman, but it's knowing that he is doing fine not having me around. Kind of makes me wonder if maybe I bring stress into his life rather than love. Thats why he pushed me away?
And as the saying goes, it's not wrong to want a life that you deserve away from negativity and stress. Maybe I'm it. Or maybe it's all in my head. Too much thinking and too little interaction with people.
I need a change of life. I dreamed of traveling. I dreamed of adventure. But that are dreams that involves money. Money that I have saved, to go see him...damn why is everything in my life leads back to him. He is like an unfinished business. Well he is to me. I still have faith.
Sigh.
Being with him was the happiest I have ever been in my life. And being left by him, hurts very much, I have never felt such pain in my heart -I never want to feel that pain again. Ever. Even if it means I have to forget of future love. I know now that I'm capable of loving someone deeply, and I will fight for it, and stay faithful. But I am afraid of being hurt like this again. This is exactly how he feels.
Complicated.
Not much happened today. But my heart was a little agitated about the contest thing. I don't know how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys I prayed to keep myself down. It does keep me down.
But I have too much alone time with my thoughts. Sigh. I need a life. This silently and still life is good, but I need a life..where I don't regret it.
I prayed another novena with same intention today. The 'Saint Dwynwen Novena'. I love the story of Saint Dwynwen. She is the Welsh patron saint of lovers. It was said that Dwynwen fell in love with a prince called Maelon Dafodrill but unfortunately her father arranged that she would marry someone else. She was so upset, she asked God to make her forget him. While sleeping, she was visited by an Angel carrying potions to erase memories of Maelon and turned him into block of ice. God gave Dwynwen 3 wishes. Her first wish was that Maelon be thawed, Second wish was that God meet the hopes and dreams of true lovers. And third, she would never marry. All three were fulfilled. As mark of her thanks, Dwynwen devoted herself to God's service for the rest of her life.
Saint Dwynwen Novena
O Blessed St. Dwynwen, you who knew pain and peace, division and reconciliation, you have promised to aid lovers and you watch over those whose hearts have been broken. As you received three boons from an Angel, intercede for me to receive three blessings; to obtain my heart's desire {here you may name it} or, if that is not God's Will, a speedy healing from my pain; your guidance and assistance, that I may find love with the right person, at the right time, and in the right way; and an unshakeable faith in the boundless kindness and wisdom of God. And this I ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
Writing about Saint Dwynwen and reading the prayers again somehow calm my heart. Thank you O blessed Saint Dwynwen. Intercede for me to the Lord with my Intentions. Amen.
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