Day 8 - Absent

Day 8

I don't remember much of today, merely because there's nothing to remember of. Today I was on autopilot. I woke up, thought about him, and cried a little. I felt my heart ache, it was painful I couldn't do today. 

I felt so numb. I didn't want to feel anything, so I stopped feeling. I was gone. 

I don't remember doing anything after breakfast. I was awake, but emotionally dead. Everything I did today was on autopilot. I came to the store, do the usual stuff, a lot of blank stares, and before i know it it's time to go home. And even then, I was not present in my body. I do what I always do. Everyday. It''s the same. Dead.

I think I watched some tv, but I was not there. I feel like I'm hiding inside this little bubble inside me. Just asleep inside. I don't need to think, or feel. Maybe I should stay there often. But then I would miss on life....but what life?

Why is this hard? Why does it feels hard now?

I guess reality just slowly sink on me. I have heartaches all my life, but this is too much.

I know you would read this, and say, it will pass. It will. But I'm still here, at this moment. Feeling everything. Every beat becomes harder. I can't go a day without seeing things that remind me of him. This will pass? Tell me how to face this heartache while waiting for it to pass. 

I wish he has a new girlfriend, so that I know he no longer loves me. I know the pain will be even greater but by crushing me even more will make me stop. Because right now, I know he still loves me. Or I wish that he would come back to me, and we both will men our hearts together... but that dream is a thousand miles away. I am stuck here.

Today, I was absent. I couldn't participate in life. Emotionally, I don't feel anything. Anything but dark. I like it. But this is not what I wanted for my life.

I don't want to be in that dark pit again. But I don't know how to live either.. 

How do I face tomorrow?

sigh...