Day 7
Ughhh.... I don't know why I'm losing myself here. I losing my peace.
I feel like I'm losing my head.
It's been 3 months since he said that we need to stop. But I have been trying my hard to still keep this going ever since. I know he wanted to, he agreed to let me visit him. But he bailed on it. He knows that I wanted it so much, he got cold feet, thinking that he might not be the man I thought or wanted him be.. But I wanted him just the way he is..no less..no more... It's been 3 months since he stop calling me his woman. Been 3 months that he stop being my boyfriend.
And it's been 12 days since he said his last words to me..and 7 days since I said mine to him...
Ugh...I'm pathetic... Look at me counting the days.
I'm losing all hopes today. Hope that he'll talk to me..hopes that he'll come back to me...hopes of a new love...hope of life. I woke up and thinking, 'I am a mess'. I have no life. None. and I've been rejected by the man who brought life to me. He took me out of depressions, promise to never make me sad, and then broke it, and send me back there.
And I can't blame him because of his conditions. I don't know if it's easier to blame and move on or to just drop it and let go? Well dropping it and just let go is not an option. I don't know how to do it. I have gave up so many things in my life and almost gave up life to suicidal, I found something I really wanted and had never worked this hard, but he gave up on it. He knows I want it bad, but he couldn't let himself take this chance. He didn't want himself get hurt, by things that probably never happen -me leaving him after I knew him. Well, he not only hurt himself, he hurt me too. But I understand, and that's what makes it hard. I understand his reasons. I'm hurt and disappointed but I'm not angry or hate him. I care even more. And it's hard, because I'm not suppose to care more, I suppose to let it go..
Sigh...
God, I am waiting on your plans for me, but I'm slipping today. I lost my peace and I'm stressing over something that I shouldn't. Please grant me peace today, and help me get through...
Roller coaster feelings today. I try to find my peace in prayers and reading positive quotes.. I find that life is short. It's short. And today is not coming again. And I spent the whole day trying to survive this emotional pains, and did nothing. If lived to even 70 years, I'd be looking back and see that I spent half of it crippled in emotional pain. Where's the great stories? Where's the crazy tales? Where's the adventure?
I'm in my 30's, single, with a crappy life. I manage a small shop alone, in a dead town. I basically spent my whole day being alone, no one to talk to. I live with my family, because the shop is across the family house and it is a family business. I don't have a life. No child waiting for me at home, let alone a man.
Wow....moment of realization. I am single and depressed.
I think I haven't been fully embraced the being single thing. I had him for three years, and suddenly I'm single again. I think this is whats been troubling me. That I haven't accept my status now.
I am single. I'm single. I am single....again.
I thought I'd be in my 30's happily married. Not being dumped. I know a lot of women around my aged single and dumped. But I always thought, that will not be me... I will not be in my 30, and pathetically lonely and single. Well, I am. Not my choice, but I am. I always thought why don't they just find another man, they're not gettin' any younger... Well, now I understand. Not every women wants to go through the getting to know, and opening up, and sharing secrets, all over again...
Well, maybe 30's would be a bit young to care about it..but I'm different. I really don't want to get to know another, and opening up, and share secrets, and be broken again...it's too much.
sigh...
I'm single. I am single. It's so weird to admit that. but I am single.....and I don't have a life.
Today was not a good day. I've been trying to be strong for too long, I'm losing it. And my faith is wearing thin. I want to keep going and not giving up on life, but right now... I just want to cry my eyes out and fall asleep in tears. I read that it takes someone to rock bottom to be reborn again into a new stronger person...how long does someone stays at rock bottom? Eventually I will rise.. but this phase is heartbreaking..and crippling. I just don't know what to do..or think.
Sigh...everything seems dark...help me Lord...
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