Day 6 - Confused

Day 6

Today was a very testing day...but also confusing. 

Everything of today pointed me to just drop it. Whatever faith I have of me and him is nothing but a denial that it's over...It's not a feeling..or hunch ..or whatever it is.. Its just something I tell myself over and over  to not forget.

I've been praying for God to reunite me and him, when I'm suppose to let go and let God work on it, on me. I suppose to have faith on God's plan, whatever it is..weather he is in it or not. Instead I deviate myself and push this belief of this 'connection' I felt.

Yes, me connect in ways that both of us had never felt before..

Yes, there's just too many obstacles and hurdles just to be together..

And Yes, God is able to make that path crossed however impossible it may seem..

Only if it's on His divine will.

If not, then no reason to push it..

I guess I was..am..scared that I will find another...or not find another that is better than him...

I guess I'm just afraid of another love... doesn't mean I don't love him anymore..

I looked at his pictures today, and I melt everytime I see those blue eyes. And memories just running through me.. And conversation starts playing in my head. Today I remembered his proposal. I remembered he said, 'Baby, I really feel we are going to get married...how do you feel about that?'

And I remembered how I reacted. Teary eyes, big smile on my face, blushing cheeks, and heart bursting with happiness and love. I remembered I answered, 'That makes me happy!'

And he send me cute proposing emoticons everyday since then..and I answered with 'kissy, yes I do' emoticons. And I never stopped working on to make that happen. With the distance, yes it's impossible, with both of our financial situation. But that don't stopped me. It don't stopped me just because the situation is not ideal or hard...

I have faith..and I tried so hard to make it work..

But things didn't go the way I thought it would be.

I believe in God. And His plans for me, and it means to let go and let Him work it..

But His words also mentioned to not give up hopes.

I don't know what his plans are..so I don't know if he will be in my future eventually, or that his part in my life really is over... I don't know if I should give up or keep on the faith alive...

I am confused. I wish I could talk to someone about this. But I'm all alone.

I pray that he will talk to me... someday..

I feel like I'm losing my mind today....

I feel numb but my mind was going places. 

sigh..