Day 2 - Giving up

Day 2

I woke up with him in my mind again. Like always. Everyday. I opened my eyes, thinking and wondering how he is today. Did he had a good day? Did he sing? what did he eat? Hows the weather there? Every thought of him, up to the moment that he and I are not the same anymore. He and I are not together anymore... I prayed to God to have a peace of mind, or at least help me go through the day.

I don't know why I keep checking on his Facebook. I don't know what I'm trying to see there. I can only see what he's posting publicly.I wonder what he's posting with friends only....

He posted pictures of Jesus statue from a catholic church.

I have been praying to God, the He will guide him to open his heart to the ways of the Lord.

To have faith in Him. If the sighting was good for him, then perhaps God is always there to guide.

Oh Lord, I'm stalking on my ex!... I should stop this.

sigh...or at least find a hobby.

Thinking about him is not a hobby...it used to be...

Sigh.

I still keep on wondering. Friday night is chat day.

The place where we met - The chat room. Seeing that he is back talking to one of our friends, I bet he is there in the chatroom with them. It's funny how some people only liked you when you are with their friend. None of them liked me from the start. They only (forcefully) like me because I was being with him. Now that i's over, it's my fault for having him disappointed. Failed relationship, someone had got to take the blame....and it's ME. It's always me. I'm the bad ones. 

Maybe he has moved on. He has been talking to another woman. Liking her pictures.. Am I jealous?

YES. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Although I have no reason to, now that I'm not his anymore.

I'm just a little sad that he forgets to soon. I'm not good enough.. I never was.

But through this all...I still believe in US!

What is wrong with me. I kept thinking on what we have done for each other. How we grows with each other's presence. The promises to love each other forever. Through all the bad things and the good. Sticking to each other's promises. Well I did...and I fought so hard. Harder than any woman that has been in his life. He wanted proof...I worked so hard to get it, only to be shut down. All my efforts. I guess they're only jokes. Appreciate me? Why should he. I'm nothing. I'm just same as the others, I guess. I bring nothing but heartache. Because if I bring joys to him, he wouldn't give up on me.

I felt tortured by this feeling of certainty. Feeling certain that he and I will be together eventually. And at the same time, I don't see the way... I don't see any sign he wants me back.

This back and forth feeling is killing me.

This day is hard. I haven't been his girlfriend for the past 3 months, and he blocked me a week ago. 

He tried hard to keep his distance. He tried so hard to get rid of me. Am I really that bad? Was I not attractive enough? Was I not good enough for him? He wanted love without drama, here I am. He knows I can give it to him. Faithfulness? I was born to be faithful! Was this not what you want? 

This day is hard!

I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve love. He is a blessing. Was. He was God's gift to me, and now that I fell deeply in love with him, He is taking him away. 

I have nothing. He was the only thing that makes me feel alive, and living with a purpose. Now that he is gone. I felt like half of me is gone, and I don't know what to do.

This day is hard! This day is filled with tears..

I give up.

I'm surrendering to God. I tried my hardest, and it was not even close to good. 

I have HUGE faith in him and I...but it's worthless...He doesn't want it. He doesn't see it.

I wished he could see it. I wished he look at it through my eyes. But he's giving up. He gave up.

He gave up on me. He gave up on love. And I don't know why I bother...

So I'm giving up too...

I'm giving up to everything.

I'm disappointed and I'm just done trying.

I give up on love. and life.

Whatever God want to do with me...He can do so...

At this moment, I just don't care anymore. I am numb. 

The man I love so much and I thought love me the same...does not care. He gave up on me.

And God's timing is perfect...

Just when I thought everything is lining up, God took them away.

I'm in my 30s, I'm single again, my life is a mess and I'm a failure.

Whatever your plan is God... I hope this isn't it..

I have shed too many tears. I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm giving up this love. I'm giving up all love. i'm giving up whatever future I thought there is..

You can do whatever You want God. I'm just going to be still here.

I am done with today's emotional torture. sigh.....