Day 9 - Crushed

Day 9

Well today I got my wishes. I found out that he has been talking and connecting with an old friend of ours. They have been close for a while now. She blocked me the same day he blocked me. And she sang him a song that day. She has been the one who's the first visiting his song. That person use to be me. I use to be the one that makes him smile. I guess I have been replaced.

My heart breaks. I could hear it breaking, and feeling it. Why does it hurt so much. I am sad. No..I'm beyond sad. I'm devastated. Broken, crushed, disappointed and hurt. I'm preparing myself for a much reaction later on. Because things like this sinks slowly on me. And it's going to take a long time to "get over" it. 

'It will soon pass'....someday, but nobody talks about the moment of waiting for it to pass. I have people breaks me, but nothing this big and deep. I put my trust, my heart, my soul in this...and it got crushed just like that.

Today, sucks.

I wanted to just lay in bed and cry my eyes out, but no. I had to work, hold up my feelings, and pretend I'm fine the whole day.

Pretend.

I am back to who I was before. I PRETEND I'm fine. I pretend I don't have a heart. I pretend everything is okay. I pretend.

Things are not ok. I've been through this. I've been in this phase, and I don't know how to get out. Maybe I was meant to be like this. Those 3 years of knowing him, they were like a good dream. now I woken up to a nightmare. It felt like I never left. I'm still here, broken, sad, crushed. It's the same feeling. Everything feels the same.

The happy moments I had on those three years, I will cherished it. That's probably the only real happiness I will ever feel. The only time my heart bursting with love. The time that I smile, really smile from my heart and not just on the lips. My life had purpose. Every second I spent, have meanings with him in my mind all the time. I had hopes and dreams for the future. I knew he loved me ..once. But it's gone now. All gone. They're just memories now. Everything I wanted for us, is just a dream. 

I felt unappreciated. They say if you are in love, try your hardest to be the best partner, and I did!

I gave my all. I tried to be the best woman a man could have. I was patient and loving. And I didn't only take what's given to me, I gave back. I was willing to go beyond all odds to be with the one I love. I have never been this determined and alive. I loved through all the bad and good. I loved without asking anything else but be loved back. I was worth the fight. I am worth the fight. I wished he had seen that.

Today was ....a very sad day. But, I still love him. He deserved love in his life. He gave me moments of happiness and moments of loves. And he deserve to received twice more than he gave out. If he doesn't found that in me, perhaps in another. I pray love for him, even if I have to cut my own heart knowing he'll never be mine, I still want the best love for him. I want him to be happy again like when we were together...happier even. 

"I pray that you'll received all the love in the world. That you will find your dreams come true. I pray that, God blessed you in a way that you have never imagine. I pray that you'll have the love you have been looking for, the kind of love your parents has for one another. I pray for your happiness"

What's done..is done..