Day 15 - Crashed

Day 15

I am Depressed.

I am going crazy.

I don't know what happen. I just lost it today. I don't think I am okay, at all.

I'm giving up. I don't think God wants me happy. I was my lowest after I left college.. and a few years after that, I met him. Life seems going good, for the both of us. Then, God takes him away. Took that happiness away. I feel like God wants me to crash once again. I feel like my feelings are being played....

Like, seriously!?

I already don't have a life! Now, taking the man I love? Please give me a break!

Sigh.

I am going nuts! I rushed home from work, straight to my bedroom and cried for an hour. Just fall down on my knees and cried. I'm giving up. It's 5 days into the novena and I don't see any sign, in fact, he recorded a song today, and he looks happy.

Am I forgotten?

Should I even pray the novena for St Jude intersession to rekindle this relationship?

I am falling apart. I missed him. I want him.

What is wrong with me? Sigh...I don't even know what to write about.

I totally lost it today. I don't know what is it that makes me this weak. This ups and downs feeling is getting the best of me. I give up. I probably be okay tomorrow and crash again the next. 

Today was not a good day. I think my depression is back. 

I think I may need some counseling and medication this time.

Because, I can't..

Day 14 - Thoughts

Day 14

Man, I'm trying my hardest to stay on my feet today. Not coz I'm drunk, but because I keep slipping off. I prayed hard today. I don't know why my tears falls this morning. I keep telling myself this is not the place to cry. Crying at work is the worst. Although I'm working alone, I don't want to get caught by customers walking in. 

Last night reflections of life keeps me wonder on life this morning. Why haven't my prayers been answered? Does God cares? Does the angels care? Does the saints care? Does anyone care? 

Does anyone care how broken hearted I am? God do you care?

If you love me and care for me, why did you let my heart be broken?

Why did you send someone for me to love and be love after years of loneliness and heartache and then take him away, just when I thought everything is sailing on it's course? 

Did you know that you send me back to the way I was and even more? Lonely and broken hearted.

Did you care? Did you meant this for me?

Am I not deserving of love?

I got my tears rolling having this thoughts in my head. I feel deserted.

I know God is there. I'm crying for help, but I feel like no one is coming to help me.

Where do I do wrong?

Was I not praying from my heart?

Was my words wrong?

Was my prayers selfish and worldy?

I wish I could see a glimpse of the future God's hold for me, so I could focus on that. Right now, It's dark. I don't know where to go. I only hope for God's light and I..don't see it. Since I've met him, I have been learning to love God's mercy and how good is God. I've been praising Him for his blessing, so did he. Why did this happen? 

If he was not meant for me, then why did everytime I prayed to have peace in my heart to let go, my faith gets even deeper on this relationship? I tried to forget, but I have faith in this, and going against what I feel, is so torturing and tiring. So I stayed in love. Just like Jesus did...well not to imply "what would Jesus" do here, but..just like so many people rejecting Him, Jesus still loves. I am human. I have so many weakness. But I can love, and I can stay in love as long as I can. I don't know how people would reject love, because the situation is hard. Love is a gift from God. 'Love thy neighbor' 'Love your enemy'..are those not words of God?

Do not betray love. Don't stain love. If you believe in Love, then love the people around you. Love God.

I love him for so many reasons. But I love him most because he show me what love is. And his love drew me close to God. I wished I made him closer to God as he did to me. I wished God used me more to guide him closer to the lord. And I still pray that God use me to guide him closer to the Lord's love.

I prayed 3 Hail Marys for some heart comfort, I felt a little peace, and I keep telling myself to have faith in these prayers I recited. I did. I really felt Mother Mary heard my prayers! I suddenly had the urge to listen to one of our duet. Usually I try not to, because I would cry my eyes out on the sight of it, but this time, I didn't. I listened to the song we recorded couple of years back - 'Reunited'. I love it. It felt like the first time watching the whole video, all giggly and full of love. The song was perfect, and we did perfect on it. It gives me hope. I felt a message was sent. Answered.

Prayers are powerful. But you need to have faith in those prayers. Faith in God's answers, and timing. It's not about how much you prayed in a day, it's about how deepening your faith to God. Faith sometimes runs dry, or slipping off because of hard times, (something I still trying to get rid off), but sincere prayers are heard. It's just a matter of time..

I need to be patient too. The 'I-want-it-right-now' attitude has got to go!

I've been studying about the unanswered prayers today, and lacking faith means lack of trust to God. And lack of trust happens because God doesn't answer the prayers in the time you wanted, or how you want it to be. 

I am still learning. I am still trying to deepen my faith, trust and believes.

But I can say now, that don't lose hope. Don't fuss about it. Don't obsessed about it.

Just keep on praying -as a devotion to the Lord, to praise His merciful heart and unending Love, and not wanting some magic to happen.

I have learned.

Today starts rough. But Hopes are coming to life. Thank you Jesus for your time on me.
Today end in peace. And what a day of thoughts it is...

Day 13 - Wanderlust

Day 13

Lucky no 13..well..nothing lucky here. Nothing much happening. I need to do something. My life feels so empty.

I have been praying a lot, these couple of days. After my breakdown, I submerged myself to praying, to not feel lost and depressed. I feel my faith renewing. I started a lot of novenas with the same intention. It just something to do to fill the moments praying and praising the creator and not focusing on other worldly disappointments.

I feel peace and calmer now. I can see clearly what is missing in my life, and I'm just wondering how can I fill those empty spaces. 

I've always dreamed of seeing the world since I was a little girl, even though then there was no internet to search for interesting places and books only tell so much,.. everytime I look the hills, I wonder what's behind it. Who's living there. How's the sunrise looks like from where they are... and a million more questions I asked with no answers. I always thought I'd grow up and go places, and experience stuffs and meet people. But life went the other way. 

I thought high school would be a good one, but it don't. It's just a start for every sad thing in my life. But that's another story I'm not really want to get into at this moment. I just want to try to move on with a better thoughts and vision of the future.

Because here I am in my 30s, still trying to find myself. When I met him, I felt that I found my purpose. A wife to a loving man, with the hopes of helping each other to be the best person individually and for each other. We made plans, and we talked about the future together, but again, life took a turn.

It's easier when things turn around when you're younger, coz you (maybe) have time to create another path and probably have a life when you're in your 30s. It's always harder when you're 30 and above. You thought that life has settled, then it just turn around and left. I am still trying to find my ground. I still don't know what I'm going to do. Luckily I don't have a child to carry on to this mess...or is that just sadder, that I don't have one in this age?

Well, that's life. And I'm praying that life gets better after this. I can't lose hope now. I have so many lost times. It's time to see the world.

That's what I've been thinking today. I pray that it's in God's will for me. 

I have wanderlust... 

Day 12 - St. Dwynwen

Day 12

My heart is a little weak today knowing that he's doing a contest with a lady friend. It's not about doing something with another woman, but it's knowing that he is doing fine not having me around. Kind of makes me wonder if maybe I bring stress into his life rather than love. Thats why he pushed me away?

And as the saying goes, it's not wrong to want a life that you deserve away from negativity and stress. Maybe I'm it. Or maybe it's all in my head. Too much thinking and too little interaction with people.

I need a change of life. I dreamed of traveling. I dreamed of adventure. But that are dreams that involves money. Money that I have saved, to go see him...damn why is everything in my life leads back to him. He is like an unfinished business. Well he is to me. I still have faith.

Sigh.

Being with him was the happiest I have ever been in my life. And being left by him, hurts very much, I have never felt such pain in my heart -I never want to feel that pain again. Ever. Even if it means I have to forget of future love. I know now that I'm capable of loving someone deeply, and I will fight for it, and stay faithful. But I am afraid of being hurt like this again. This is exactly how he feels. 

Complicated.

Not much happened today. But my heart was a little agitated about the contest thing. I don't know how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys I prayed to keep myself down. It does keep me down. 

But I have too much alone time with my thoughts. Sigh. I need a life. This silently and still life is good, but I need a life..where I don't regret it.

I prayed another novena with same intention today. The 'Saint Dwynwen Novena'. I love the story of Saint Dwynwen. She is the Welsh patron saint of lovers. It was said that Dwynwen fell in love with a prince called Maelon Dafodrill but unfortunately her father arranged that she would marry someone else. She was so upset, she asked God to make her forget him. While sleeping, she was visited by an Angel carrying potions to erase memories of Maelon and turned him into block of ice. God gave Dwynwen 3 wishes. Her first wish was that Maelon be thawed, Second wish was that God meet the hopes and dreams of true lovers. And third, she would never marry. All three were fulfilled.  As mark of her thanks, Dwynwen devoted herself to God's service for the rest of her life.

Saint Dwynwen Novena

O Blessed St. Dwynwen, you who knew pain and peace, division and reconciliation, you have promised to aid lovers and you watch over those whose hearts have been broken. As you received three boons from an Angel, intercede for me to receive three blessings; to obtain my heart's desire {here you may name it} or, if that is not God's Will, a speedy healing from my pain; your guidance and assistance, that I may find love with the right person, at the right time, and in the right way; and an unshakeable faith in the boundless kindness and wisdom of God. And this I ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Writing about Saint Dwynwen and reading the prayers again somehow calm my heart. Thank you O blessed Saint Dwynwen. Intercede for me to the Lord with my Intentions. Amen.

Day 11 - St.Jude

Day 11

I was looking for some comfort words and prayers yesterday when I stumble upon the novena of St Jude. I haven't seen this prayer for a while, and I was sure this was not a coincidence. God is leading me onto something. 

I decided to recite the 9 days St. Jude novena starting today with a special intention. My intention is to be reconcile with him. Weak and desperate I prayed,

Oh Holy St Jude, Apostle, Martyr, great in virtue and rich in miracles,

near kinsman of Jesus Christ, faithful intercessor of all who invoke your

special patronage in time of need to you, I have recourse from the depth 

of my heart and humbly beg to whom God has given such great power 

to come to my assistance. Help me in my present and urgent petition

(petition)

In return I promise to make your name known and cause you to be invoked.

St. Jude pray for us and all who invoke your aid. Amen

Soon as I prayed to St. Jude prayers and the Divine Mercy chaplet, I felt a sense of calmness and peaceful in myself. It's not much about the petition but more to finding and receiving the peaceful in me that I lost. I felt my faith renewed.

How powerful prayers and faith can be. Upon learning the prayers, I came across to a lot of people with desperate situation asking for help in prayers. How little do I feel, with me and my problems. But also very warming to know how many of their prayers are answered through this novena. Some goes as it is, others goes a different way, all on God's will.

I feel more calm today. I feel the peace that I have been looking for. And my faith strengthen.

I feel good. No tears today. No anxiety. No pain. Only calmness. Thank you my Jesus.

First day of St Jude Novena - It already gave me peace.

I hope this prayer will help anyone else too. St. Jude is the helper for the desperation and hopelessness. Ask for his intercession and you will not be failed.

Day 10 - Finding Faith

Day 10

Trying to find peace on prayers. I lost myself for the past few days. My faith was wearing thin and I was a wreck today. I cried until I can't cry anymore. I felt weak and hurt all over.

I astonished myself sometime. I've been pretending to look normal when my inside is falling apart, for years I'm getting good at it. If the walls in my bedroom could talk, they be telling stories about the days I cried. I cried my heart out in bedroom, and as soon as I open the door I stopped the sad face and act normal. I'm getting good of pretending, I don't know who I am anymore..

Sometimes I wonder if he ever get sad or think of me. I wonder if he ever recalls our best moments together, coz thats the part where I hold the most to keep going. I wonder..and wondering draws to tears.

I needed to flush it out. And I need to get a grip of myself. I need to find my faith again. I need to get on the path where the Lord wants me. I need to stop the tears, and start living.  I love him, I still do, but I need to let go of the things I can't change. Give my heart to the Lord and let Him mend the broken pieces.

I need some time to get myself back together. I need to find my faith again..

Day 9 - Crushed

Day 9

Well today I got my wishes. I found out that he has been talking and connecting with an old friend of ours. They have been close for a while now. She blocked me the same day he blocked me. And she sang him a song that day. She has been the one who's the first visiting his song. That person use to be me. I use to be the one that makes him smile. I guess I have been replaced.

My heart breaks. I could hear it breaking, and feeling it. Why does it hurt so much. I am sad. No..I'm beyond sad. I'm devastated. Broken, crushed, disappointed and hurt. I'm preparing myself for a much reaction later on. Because things like this sinks slowly on me. And it's going to take a long time to "get over" it. 

'It will soon pass'....someday, but nobody talks about the moment of waiting for it to pass. I have people breaks me, but nothing this big and deep. I put my trust, my heart, my soul in this...and it got crushed just like that.

Today, sucks.

I wanted to just lay in bed and cry my eyes out, but no. I had to work, hold up my feelings, and pretend I'm fine the whole day.

Pretend.

I am back to who I was before. I PRETEND I'm fine. I pretend I don't have a heart. I pretend everything is okay. I pretend.

Things are not ok. I've been through this. I've been in this phase, and I don't know how to get out. Maybe I was meant to be like this. Those 3 years of knowing him, they were like a good dream. now I woken up to a nightmare. It felt like I never left. I'm still here, broken, sad, crushed. It's the same feeling. Everything feels the same.

The happy moments I had on those three years, I will cherished it. That's probably the only real happiness I will ever feel. The only time my heart bursting with love. The time that I smile, really smile from my heart and not just on the lips. My life had purpose. Every second I spent, have meanings with him in my mind all the time. I had hopes and dreams for the future. I knew he loved me ..once. But it's gone now. All gone. They're just memories now. Everything I wanted for us, is just a dream. 

I felt unappreciated. They say if you are in love, try your hardest to be the best partner, and I did!

I gave my all. I tried to be the best woman a man could have. I was patient and loving. And I didn't only take what's given to me, I gave back. I was willing to go beyond all odds to be with the one I love. I have never been this determined and alive. I loved through all the bad and good. I loved without asking anything else but be loved back. I was worth the fight. I am worth the fight. I wished he had seen that.

Today was ....a very sad day. But, I still love him. He deserved love in his life. He gave me moments of happiness and moments of loves. And he deserve to received twice more than he gave out. If he doesn't found that in me, perhaps in another. I pray love for him, even if I have to cut my own heart knowing he'll never be mine, I still want the best love for him. I want him to be happy again like when we were together...happier even. 

"I pray that you'll received all the love in the world. That you will find your dreams come true. I pray that, God blessed you in a way that you have never imagine. I pray that you'll have the love you have been looking for, the kind of love your parents has for one another. I pray for your happiness"

What's done..is done..