Day 15 - Crashed

Day 15

I am Depressed.

I am going crazy.

I don't know what happen. I just lost it today. I don't think I am okay, at all.

I'm giving up. I don't think God wants me happy. I was my lowest after I left college.. and a few years after that, I met him. Life seems going good, for the both of us. Then, God takes him away. Took that happiness away. I feel like God wants me to crash once again. I feel like my feelings are being played....

Like, seriously!?

I already don't have a life! Now, taking the man I love? Please give me a break!

Sigh.

I am going nuts! I rushed home from work, straight to my bedroom and cried for an hour. Just fall down on my knees and cried. I'm giving up. It's 5 days into the novena and I don't see any sign, in fact, he recorded a song today, and he looks happy.

Am I forgotten?

Should I even pray the novena for St Jude intersession to rekindle this relationship?

I am falling apart. I missed him. I want him.

What is wrong with me? Sigh...I don't even know what to write about.

I totally lost it today. I don't know what is it that makes me this weak. This ups and downs feeling is getting the best of me. I give up. I probably be okay tomorrow and crash again the next. 

Today was not a good day. I think my depression is back. 

I think I may need some counseling and medication this time.

Because, I can't..

Day 14 - Thoughts

Day 14

Man, I'm trying my hardest to stay on my feet today. Not coz I'm drunk, but because I keep slipping off. I prayed hard today. I don't know why my tears falls this morning. I keep telling myself this is not the place to cry. Crying at work is the worst. Although I'm working alone, I don't want to get caught by customers walking in. 

Last night reflections of life keeps me wonder on life this morning. Why haven't my prayers been answered? Does God cares? Does the angels care? Does the saints care? Does anyone care? 

Does anyone care how broken hearted I am? God do you care?

If you love me and care for me, why did you let my heart be broken?

Why did you send someone for me to love and be love after years of loneliness and heartache and then take him away, just when I thought everything is sailing on it's course? 

Did you know that you send me back to the way I was and even more? Lonely and broken hearted.

Did you care? Did you meant this for me?

Am I not deserving of love?

I got my tears rolling having this thoughts in my head. I feel deserted.

I know God is there. I'm crying for help, but I feel like no one is coming to help me.

Where do I do wrong?

Was I not praying from my heart?

Was my words wrong?

Was my prayers selfish and worldy?

I wish I could see a glimpse of the future God's hold for me, so I could focus on that. Right now, It's dark. I don't know where to go. I only hope for God's light and I..don't see it. Since I've met him, I have been learning to love God's mercy and how good is God. I've been praising Him for his blessing, so did he. Why did this happen? 

If he was not meant for me, then why did everytime I prayed to have peace in my heart to let go, my faith gets even deeper on this relationship? I tried to forget, but I have faith in this, and going against what I feel, is so torturing and tiring. So I stayed in love. Just like Jesus did...well not to imply "what would Jesus" do here, but..just like so many people rejecting Him, Jesus still loves. I am human. I have so many weakness. But I can love, and I can stay in love as long as I can. I don't know how people would reject love, because the situation is hard. Love is a gift from God. 'Love thy neighbor' 'Love your enemy'..are those not words of God?

Do not betray love. Don't stain love. If you believe in Love, then love the people around you. Love God.

I love him for so many reasons. But I love him most because he show me what love is. And his love drew me close to God. I wished I made him closer to God as he did to me. I wished God used me more to guide him closer to the lord. And I still pray that God use me to guide him closer to the Lord's love.

I prayed 3 Hail Marys for some heart comfort, I felt a little peace, and I keep telling myself to have faith in these prayers I recited. I did. I really felt Mother Mary heard my prayers! I suddenly had the urge to listen to one of our duet. Usually I try not to, because I would cry my eyes out on the sight of it, but this time, I didn't. I listened to the song we recorded couple of years back - 'Reunited'. I love it. It felt like the first time watching the whole video, all giggly and full of love. The song was perfect, and we did perfect on it. It gives me hope. I felt a message was sent. Answered.

Prayers are powerful. But you need to have faith in those prayers. Faith in God's answers, and timing. It's not about how much you prayed in a day, it's about how deepening your faith to God. Faith sometimes runs dry, or slipping off because of hard times, (something I still trying to get rid off), but sincere prayers are heard. It's just a matter of time..

I need to be patient too. The 'I-want-it-right-now' attitude has got to go!

I've been studying about the unanswered prayers today, and lacking faith means lack of trust to God. And lack of trust happens because God doesn't answer the prayers in the time you wanted, or how you want it to be. 

I am still learning. I am still trying to deepen my faith, trust and believes.

But I can say now, that don't lose hope. Don't fuss about it. Don't obsessed about it.

Just keep on praying -as a devotion to the Lord, to praise His merciful heart and unending Love, and not wanting some magic to happen.

I have learned.

Today starts rough. But Hopes are coming to life. Thank you Jesus for your time on me.
Today end in peace. And what a day of thoughts it is...

Day 13 - Wanderlust

Day 13

Lucky no 13..well..nothing lucky here. Nothing much happening. I need to do something. My life feels so empty.

I have been praying a lot, these couple of days. After my breakdown, I submerged myself to praying, to not feel lost and depressed. I feel my faith renewing. I started a lot of novenas with the same intention. It just something to do to fill the moments praying and praising the creator and not focusing on other worldly disappointments.

I feel peace and calmer now. I can see clearly what is missing in my life, and I'm just wondering how can I fill those empty spaces. 

I've always dreamed of seeing the world since I was a little girl, even though then there was no internet to search for interesting places and books only tell so much,.. everytime I look the hills, I wonder what's behind it. Who's living there. How's the sunrise looks like from where they are... and a million more questions I asked with no answers. I always thought I'd grow up and go places, and experience stuffs and meet people. But life went the other way. 

I thought high school would be a good one, but it don't. It's just a start for every sad thing in my life. But that's another story I'm not really want to get into at this moment. I just want to try to move on with a better thoughts and vision of the future.

Because here I am in my 30s, still trying to find myself. When I met him, I felt that I found my purpose. A wife to a loving man, with the hopes of helping each other to be the best person individually and for each other. We made plans, and we talked about the future together, but again, life took a turn.

It's easier when things turn around when you're younger, coz you (maybe) have time to create another path and probably have a life when you're in your 30s. It's always harder when you're 30 and above. You thought that life has settled, then it just turn around and left. I am still trying to find my ground. I still don't know what I'm going to do. Luckily I don't have a child to carry on to this mess...or is that just sadder, that I don't have one in this age?

Well, that's life. And I'm praying that life gets better after this. I can't lose hope now. I have so many lost times. It's time to see the world.

That's what I've been thinking today. I pray that it's in God's will for me. 

I have wanderlust... 

Day 12 - St. Dwynwen

Day 12

My heart is a little weak today knowing that he's doing a contest with a lady friend. It's not about doing something with another woman, but it's knowing that he is doing fine not having me around. Kind of makes me wonder if maybe I bring stress into his life rather than love. Thats why he pushed me away?

And as the saying goes, it's not wrong to want a life that you deserve away from negativity and stress. Maybe I'm it. Or maybe it's all in my head. Too much thinking and too little interaction with people.

I need a change of life. I dreamed of traveling. I dreamed of adventure. But that are dreams that involves money. Money that I have saved, to go see him...damn why is everything in my life leads back to him. He is like an unfinished business. Well he is to me. I still have faith.

Sigh.

Being with him was the happiest I have ever been in my life. And being left by him, hurts very much, I have never felt such pain in my heart -I never want to feel that pain again. Ever. Even if it means I have to forget of future love. I know now that I'm capable of loving someone deeply, and I will fight for it, and stay faithful. But I am afraid of being hurt like this again. This is exactly how he feels. 

Complicated.

Not much happened today. But my heart was a little agitated about the contest thing. I don't know how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys I prayed to keep myself down. It does keep me down. 

But I have too much alone time with my thoughts. Sigh. I need a life. This silently and still life is good, but I need a life..where I don't regret it.

I prayed another novena with same intention today. The 'Saint Dwynwen Novena'. I love the story of Saint Dwynwen. She is the Welsh patron saint of lovers. It was said that Dwynwen fell in love with a prince called Maelon Dafodrill but unfortunately her father arranged that she would marry someone else. She was so upset, she asked God to make her forget him. While sleeping, she was visited by an Angel carrying potions to erase memories of Maelon and turned him into block of ice. God gave Dwynwen 3 wishes. Her first wish was that Maelon be thawed, Second wish was that God meet the hopes and dreams of true lovers. And third, she would never marry. All three were fulfilled.  As mark of her thanks, Dwynwen devoted herself to God's service for the rest of her life.

Saint Dwynwen Novena

O Blessed St. Dwynwen, you who knew pain and peace, division and reconciliation, you have promised to aid lovers and you watch over those whose hearts have been broken. As you received three boons from an Angel, intercede for me to receive three blessings; to obtain my heart's desire {here you may name it} or, if that is not God's Will, a speedy healing from my pain; your guidance and assistance, that I may find love with the right person, at the right time, and in the right way; and an unshakeable faith in the boundless kindness and wisdom of God. And this I ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Writing about Saint Dwynwen and reading the prayers again somehow calm my heart. Thank you O blessed Saint Dwynwen. Intercede for me to the Lord with my Intentions. Amen.

Day 11 - St.Jude

Day 11

I was looking for some comfort words and prayers yesterday when I stumble upon the novena of St Jude. I haven't seen this prayer for a while, and I was sure this was not a coincidence. God is leading me onto something. 

I decided to recite the 9 days St. Jude novena starting today with a special intention. My intention is to be reconcile with him. Weak and desperate I prayed,

Oh Holy St Jude, Apostle, Martyr, great in virtue and rich in miracles,

near kinsman of Jesus Christ, faithful intercessor of all who invoke your

special patronage in time of need to you, I have recourse from the depth 

of my heart and humbly beg to whom God has given such great power 

to come to my assistance. Help me in my present and urgent petition

(petition)

In return I promise to make your name known and cause you to be invoked.

St. Jude pray for us and all who invoke your aid. Amen

Soon as I prayed to St. Jude prayers and the Divine Mercy chaplet, I felt a sense of calmness and peaceful in myself. It's not much about the petition but more to finding and receiving the peaceful in me that I lost. I felt my faith renewed.

How powerful prayers and faith can be. Upon learning the prayers, I came across to a lot of people with desperate situation asking for help in prayers. How little do I feel, with me and my problems. But also very warming to know how many of their prayers are answered through this novena. Some goes as it is, others goes a different way, all on God's will.

I feel more calm today. I feel the peace that I have been looking for. And my faith strengthen.

I feel good. No tears today. No anxiety. No pain. Only calmness. Thank you my Jesus.

First day of St Jude Novena - It already gave me peace.

I hope this prayer will help anyone else too. St. Jude is the helper for the desperation and hopelessness. Ask for his intercession and you will not be failed.

Day 10 - Finding Faith

Day 10

Trying to find peace on prayers. I lost myself for the past few days. My faith was wearing thin and I was a wreck today. I cried until I can't cry anymore. I felt weak and hurt all over.

I astonished myself sometime. I've been pretending to look normal when my inside is falling apart, for years I'm getting good at it. If the walls in my bedroom could talk, they be telling stories about the days I cried. I cried my heart out in bedroom, and as soon as I open the door I stopped the sad face and act normal. I'm getting good of pretending, I don't know who I am anymore..

Sometimes I wonder if he ever get sad or think of me. I wonder if he ever recalls our best moments together, coz thats the part where I hold the most to keep going. I wonder..and wondering draws to tears.

I needed to flush it out. And I need to get a grip of myself. I need to find my faith again. I need to get on the path where the Lord wants me. I need to stop the tears, and start living.  I love him, I still do, but I need to let go of the things I can't change. Give my heart to the Lord and let Him mend the broken pieces.

I need some time to get myself back together. I need to find my faith again..

Day 9 - Crushed

Day 9

Well today I got my wishes. I found out that he has been talking and connecting with an old friend of ours. They have been close for a while now. She blocked me the same day he blocked me. And she sang him a song that day. She has been the one who's the first visiting his song. That person use to be me. I use to be the one that makes him smile. I guess I have been replaced.

My heart breaks. I could hear it breaking, and feeling it. Why does it hurt so much. I am sad. No..I'm beyond sad. I'm devastated. Broken, crushed, disappointed and hurt. I'm preparing myself for a much reaction later on. Because things like this sinks slowly on me. And it's going to take a long time to "get over" it. 

'It will soon pass'....someday, but nobody talks about the moment of waiting for it to pass. I have people breaks me, but nothing this big and deep. I put my trust, my heart, my soul in this...and it got crushed just like that.

Today, sucks.

I wanted to just lay in bed and cry my eyes out, but no. I had to work, hold up my feelings, and pretend I'm fine the whole day.

Pretend.

I am back to who I was before. I PRETEND I'm fine. I pretend I don't have a heart. I pretend everything is okay. I pretend.

Things are not ok. I've been through this. I've been in this phase, and I don't know how to get out. Maybe I was meant to be like this. Those 3 years of knowing him, they were like a good dream. now I woken up to a nightmare. It felt like I never left. I'm still here, broken, sad, crushed. It's the same feeling. Everything feels the same.

The happy moments I had on those three years, I will cherished it. That's probably the only real happiness I will ever feel. The only time my heart bursting with love. The time that I smile, really smile from my heart and not just on the lips. My life had purpose. Every second I spent, have meanings with him in my mind all the time. I had hopes and dreams for the future. I knew he loved me ..once. But it's gone now. All gone. They're just memories now. Everything I wanted for us, is just a dream. 

I felt unappreciated. They say if you are in love, try your hardest to be the best partner, and I did!

I gave my all. I tried to be the best woman a man could have. I was patient and loving. And I didn't only take what's given to me, I gave back. I was willing to go beyond all odds to be with the one I love. I have never been this determined and alive. I loved through all the bad and good. I loved without asking anything else but be loved back. I was worth the fight. I am worth the fight. I wished he had seen that.

Today was ....a very sad day. But, I still love him. He deserved love in his life. He gave me moments of happiness and moments of loves. And he deserve to received twice more than he gave out. If he doesn't found that in me, perhaps in another. I pray love for him, even if I have to cut my own heart knowing he'll never be mine, I still want the best love for him. I want him to be happy again like when we were together...happier even. 

"I pray that you'll received all the love in the world. That you will find your dreams come true. I pray that, God blessed you in a way that you have never imagine. I pray that you'll have the love you have been looking for, the kind of love your parents has for one another. I pray for your happiness"

What's done..is done..

Day 8 - Absent

Day 8

I don't remember much of today, merely because there's nothing to remember of. Today I was on autopilot. I woke up, thought about him, and cried a little. I felt my heart ache, it was painful I couldn't do today. 

I felt so numb. I didn't want to feel anything, so I stopped feeling. I was gone. 

I don't remember doing anything after breakfast. I was awake, but emotionally dead. Everything I did today was on autopilot. I came to the store, do the usual stuff, a lot of blank stares, and before i know it it's time to go home. And even then, I was not present in my body. I do what I always do. Everyday. It''s the same. Dead.

I think I watched some tv, but I was not there. I feel like I'm hiding inside this little bubble inside me. Just asleep inside. I don't need to think, or feel. Maybe I should stay there often. But then I would miss on life....but what life?

Why is this hard? Why does it feels hard now?

I guess reality just slowly sink on me. I have heartaches all my life, but this is too much.

I know you would read this, and say, it will pass. It will. But I'm still here, at this moment. Feeling everything. Every beat becomes harder. I can't go a day without seeing things that remind me of him. This will pass? Tell me how to face this heartache while waiting for it to pass. 

I wish he has a new girlfriend, so that I know he no longer loves me. I know the pain will be even greater but by crushing me even more will make me stop. Because right now, I know he still loves me. Or I wish that he would come back to me, and we both will men our hearts together... but that dream is a thousand miles away. I am stuck here.

Today, I was absent. I couldn't participate in life. Emotionally, I don't feel anything. Anything but dark. I like it. But this is not what I wanted for my life.

I don't want to be in that dark pit again. But I don't know how to live either.. 

How do I face tomorrow?

sigh...

Day 7 - Falling apart

Day 7

Ughhh.... I don't know why I'm losing myself here. I losing my peace.

I feel like I'm losing my head.

It's been 3 months since he said that we need to stop. But I have been trying my hard to still keep this going ever since. I know he wanted to, he agreed to let me visit him. But he bailed on it. He knows that I wanted it so much, he got cold feet, thinking that he might not be the man I thought or wanted him be.. But I wanted him just the way he is..no less..no more... It's been 3 months since he stop calling me his woman. Been 3 months that he stop being my boyfriend.

And it's been 12 days since he said his last words to me..and 7 days since I said mine to him...

Ugh...I'm pathetic... Look at me counting the days.

I'm losing all hopes today. Hope that he'll talk to me..hopes that he'll come back to me...hopes of a new love...hope of life. I woke up and thinking, 'I am a mess'. I have no life. None. and I've been rejected by the man who brought life to me. He took me out of depressions, promise to never make me sad, and then broke it, and send me back there.

And I can't blame him because of his conditions. I don't know if it's easier to blame and move on or to just drop it and let go? Well dropping it and just let go is not an option. I don't know how to do it. I have gave up so many things in my life and almost gave up life to suicidal, I found something I really wanted and had never worked this hard, but he gave up on it. He knows I want it bad, but he couldn't let himself take this chance. He didn't want himself get hurt, by things that probably never happen -me leaving him after I knew him. Well, he not only hurt himself, he hurt me too.  But I understand, and that's what makes it hard. I understand his reasons. I'm hurt and disappointed but I'm not angry or hate him. I care even more. And it's hard, because I'm not suppose to care more, I suppose to let it go..

Sigh...

God, I am waiting on your plans for me, but I'm slipping today. I lost my peace and I'm stressing over something that I shouldn't. Please grant me peace today, and help me get through...

Roller coaster feelings today. I try to find my peace in prayers and reading positive quotes.. I find that life is short. It's short. And today is not coming again. And I spent the whole day trying to survive this emotional pains, and did nothing. If lived to even 70 years, I'd be looking back and see that I spent half of it crippled in emotional pain. Where's the great stories? Where's the crazy tales? Where's the adventure?

I'm in my 30's, single, with a crappy life. I manage a small shop alone, in a dead town. I basically spent my whole day being alone, no one to talk to. I live with my family, because the shop is across the family house and it is a family business. I don't have a life. No child waiting for me at home, let alone a man. 

Wow....moment of realization. I am single and depressed. 

I think I haven't been fully embraced the being single thing. I had him for three years, and suddenly I'm single again. I think this is whats been troubling me. That I haven't accept my status now. 

I am single. I'm single. I am single....again.

I thought I'd be in my 30's happily married. Not being dumped. I know a lot of women around my aged single and dumped. But I always thought, that will not be me... I will not be in my 30, and pathetically lonely and single. Well, I am. Not my choice, but I am. I always thought why don't they just find another man, they're not gettin' any younger... Well, now I understand. Not every women wants to go through the getting to know, and opening up, and sharing secrets, all over again...

Well, maybe 30's would be a bit young to care about it..but I'm different. I really don't want to get to know another, and opening up, and share secrets, and be broken again...it's too much.

sigh...

I'm single. I am single. It's so weird to admit that. but I am single.....and I don't have a life. 

Today was not a good day. I've been trying to be strong for too long, I'm losing it. And my faith is wearing thin. I want to keep going and not giving up on life, but right now... I just want to cry my eyes out and fall asleep in tears. I read that it takes someone to rock bottom to be reborn again into a new stronger person...how long does someone stays at rock bottom? Eventually I will rise.. but this phase is heartbreaking..and crippling. I just don't know what to do..or think.

Sigh...everything seems dark...help me Lord...

Day 6 - Confused

Day 6

Today was a very testing day...but also confusing. 

Everything of today pointed me to just drop it. Whatever faith I have of me and him is nothing but a denial that it's over...It's not a feeling..or hunch ..or whatever it is.. Its just something I tell myself over and over  to not forget.

I've been praying for God to reunite me and him, when I'm suppose to let go and let God work on it, on me. I suppose to have faith on God's plan, whatever it is..weather he is in it or not. Instead I deviate myself and push this belief of this 'connection' I felt.

Yes, me connect in ways that both of us had never felt before..

Yes, there's just too many obstacles and hurdles just to be together..

And Yes, God is able to make that path crossed however impossible it may seem..

Only if it's on His divine will.

If not, then no reason to push it..

I guess I was..am..scared that I will find another...or not find another that is better than him...

I guess I'm just afraid of another love... doesn't mean I don't love him anymore..

I looked at his pictures today, and I melt everytime I see those blue eyes. And memories just running through me.. And conversation starts playing in my head. Today I remembered his proposal. I remembered he said, 'Baby, I really feel we are going to get married...how do you feel about that?'

And I remembered how I reacted. Teary eyes, big smile on my face, blushing cheeks, and heart bursting with happiness and love. I remembered I answered, 'That makes me happy!'

And he send me cute proposing emoticons everyday since then..and I answered with 'kissy, yes I do' emoticons. And I never stopped working on to make that happen. With the distance, yes it's impossible, with both of our financial situation. But that don't stopped me. It don't stopped me just because the situation is not ideal or hard...

I have faith..and I tried so hard to make it work..

But things didn't go the way I thought it would be.

I believe in God. And His plans for me, and it means to let go and let Him work it..

But His words also mentioned to not give up hopes.

I don't know what his plans are..so I don't know if he will be in my future eventually, or that his part in my life really is over... I don't know if I should give up or keep on the faith alive...

I am confused. I wish I could talk to someone about this. But I'm all alone.

I pray that he will talk to me... someday..

I feel like I'm losing my mind today....

I feel numb but my mind was going places. 

sigh..

Day 5 - Understanding

Day 5

Not feeling very good today...physically..

I don't feel like participating in life.  Feeling all weak, and my emotions kind of slipping sometimes. I tried to keep the faith on from time to time. Tiring day. I don't know what I did, but it was tiring..

I re-remind myself about his disorder and it got to me. I got it when he said, he's afraid that he couldn't give me what I want, ad would be disappoint to know that he is not what I think he is.. Although I'm not afraid to find out, I just couldn't convinced him that. He was to fix on what he thinks what would be. And I don't blame him. His bipolar mind is something he can't control. I've seen him trying very hard to be as normal as anyone else, but he just couldn't be.

But I accept him as he is. I accept the way he thinks. I accept his struggles. I accept his "messy" life - as he said it is. He feels there's too many things unsettled in his life, but I believe it's all about timing. Time when it's all going to unfold, as God's want in his will. He feels like he is going to live like this forever. Undeserving of love. And all the problems he's facing, he doesn't want to burden anyone else, as he's family is already paying the price of his bipolar. I understand his way. Pushing people he love because he doesn't want his bitterness to bother anyone, at the same time wanting the love of the love ones. And deciding what he wants is a lot of pressure, affecting his whole body and mind.

Feeling weak today but I understand why he broke me off. I think, He's trying to stay away from me. He's trying to keep his troubled life away from being a burden  to me. He wants me to have a life that's better than he could give. One without his unpredictable thoughts and acts. One that doesn't include of taking care of someone who is mentally ill. He seen it how it's taken a toll on his family, and even to himself. He doesn't want it to happen on me..It's understandable. 

But hearts are involve here. Not just strong feelings. A connections. I am understanding him, and I would rather do this than being all emotional and bitter for this breakup. Because I believe he deserve all the love in the world. Twice as more as he gave to others around him. He deserve to be in love immensely, and be loved deeply. I have faith in this. 

And I believe everything will happen in His time. And however His will is, I believe it's better than I would have ever imagine. 

I am just waiting still here, and let God.

Day 4 - Peace

Day 4

Today was peaceful. I still think of him.
Wondering how he is..
Wondering what's he doing..
Wondering if he thinks of me...

But I wasn't worry. I'm not agitated.
I don't think of him and reminisce and cry..
No..

No tears today.

I woke up thinking of him, and thanking God for waking me up with such a beautiful thought.
And for giving me blessings that He work through him..

All through the day, I've been keeping my faith alive. Faith that God's got this. Trusting His plan. Believing in His will and time.

I prayed that the Lord guide him to open his heart more to the Lord. I prayed all the good things will shower him, because, he deserve it. He deserve all the love and blessings in the world. He's been there for everyone who needs his help, advice, assistance, or just an ear to listen. He's been there fighting for the country and not many appreciate the freedom he's fighting for.. Yes, he's been through a lot! Relationship failures in the past, broken marriages, liars and cheaters.. His plate is full of disappointing events, but he is a strong man. He just doesn't feel it most of the time because of his bipolar, but he is more and twice the man I have ever met.

So yes, after all those had happen..he deserve a victory. And I pray the he sees that I can give a piece of rest to his tired journey. That I only want to bring love in his life. That I want to share the joy and peace that God blessed me at this moment.

But today,..today was good. I do pray that he will talk to me again. Because I still have faith in this.
But my priority right now is more to honoring God, trying to live everyday by His word. Trying to give other people whatever talent I have to help them. Giving my life a meaning of 'living' instead of just living it day by day, surviving a heartbreak...and live to tell..

I want my story to be different this time. I want it to be more about giving out what I can to others. A help, an ear to listen, a smile, a voice..

Today is good. Still is..
And I want this peace to remain. I am silent and still to God's answers. But I'm working on the time of waiting in the way that I don't waste a minute of my life wondering hopelessly.

I'm silent and still for not interfering with God's plan. If it should happen, it will happen on His time.

I love this peace. I love when everytime I'm thinking too much of him that it will weigh my feelings down, the Lord nudged me and remind me of his greater plans are more, much more wonderful and all I need to do is Trust, have faith and wait.

So yeah..today was a good one.

I am glad that I can rest tonight and give my heart to God and sleep in peace.
I couldn't do this all without Him.

God is GOOD!

Day 3 - Faith

Day 3

I wake up in tears this morning. Went to bed with tears, fall asleep crying and wake up continuing crying. I felt so lost...

Sunday morning...I used to talk with him few minutes before church. It always made my day. I always feel like I have something to look forward on the day. Knowing that someone loves and cares for me.

Sigh..

I don't know why after last night paralyzing emotional torture, there's still hope in my heart. Hope that we'll be together someday. I did a prayer to God, to heal my broken heart. Somehow He gave me peace and restored my faith. Now my faith is growing bigger.

My believes of him and I, feels stronger. I feel like a brand new hope injected in me.
Maybe I'm in denial?

But I believe in God. I trusts His plan. I have faith in his way.

I feel like I should keep my head high and my heart higher up to him. And nothing else matter that much as long as I have my God.

God is good. Thinking back, I've learned so much of life through the relationship I had with him. I asked God for patience, strength, faith...and he gave me in the ways that I have to earn and earn it. This year is not really a good. I had a couple of months of love...but three months back..was disappointing and heartbreaking.

I'm not going to get back to the way was, before I met him. I'm not going back to that dark place.
Back where I was so depressed and thinking of killing myself everytime I couldn't handle it. I've crawled out of that place -with his helped...and even though things are not what I imagine how it would be now.. I refuse to be depressed and suicidal again!

I have Jesus on my side now. And I know God works on me through him. I know we both served a purpose on each other's life. But somehow I feel, it's not finished yet..

I still have faith!

I can't explained it. But I believe.

I might be wrong. But I have a feeling something great is up ahead. I'm letting God work on me, and I only need to be still and TRUST Him. Have FAITH in Him. Believe.

Today was good....

Day 2 - Giving up

Day 2

I woke up with him in my mind again. Like always. Everyday. I opened my eyes, thinking and wondering how he is today. Did he had a good day? Did he sing? what did he eat? Hows the weather there? Every thought of him, up to the moment that he and I are not the same anymore. He and I are not together anymore... I prayed to God to have a peace of mind, or at least help me go through the day.

I don't know why I keep checking on his Facebook. I don't know what I'm trying to see there. I can only see what he's posting publicly.I wonder what he's posting with friends only....

He posted pictures of Jesus statue from a catholic church.

I have been praying to God, the He will guide him to open his heart to the ways of the Lord.

To have faith in Him. If the sighting was good for him, then perhaps God is always there to guide.

Oh Lord, I'm stalking on my ex!... I should stop this.

sigh...or at least find a hobby.

Thinking about him is not a hobby...it used to be...

Sigh.

I still keep on wondering. Friday night is chat day.

The place where we met - The chat room. Seeing that he is back talking to one of our friends, I bet he is there in the chatroom with them. It's funny how some people only liked you when you are with their friend. None of them liked me from the start. They only (forcefully) like me because I was being with him. Now that i's over, it's my fault for having him disappointed. Failed relationship, someone had got to take the blame....and it's ME. It's always me. I'm the bad ones. 

Maybe he has moved on. He has been talking to another woman. Liking her pictures.. Am I jealous?

YES. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Although I have no reason to, now that I'm not his anymore.

I'm just a little sad that he forgets to soon. I'm not good enough.. I never was.

But through this all...I still believe in US!

What is wrong with me. I kept thinking on what we have done for each other. How we grows with each other's presence. The promises to love each other forever. Through all the bad things and the good. Sticking to each other's promises. Well I did...and I fought so hard. Harder than any woman that has been in his life. He wanted proof...I worked so hard to get it, only to be shut down. All my efforts. I guess they're only jokes. Appreciate me? Why should he. I'm nothing. I'm just same as the others, I guess. I bring nothing but heartache. Because if I bring joys to him, he wouldn't give up on me.

I felt tortured by this feeling of certainty. Feeling certain that he and I will be together eventually. And at the same time, I don't see the way... I don't see any sign he wants me back.

This back and forth feeling is killing me.

This day is hard. I haven't been his girlfriend for the past 3 months, and he blocked me a week ago. 

He tried hard to keep his distance. He tried so hard to get rid of me. Am I really that bad? Was I not attractive enough? Was I not good enough for him? He wanted love without drama, here I am. He knows I can give it to him. Faithfulness? I was born to be faithful! Was this not what you want? 

This day is hard!

I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve love. He is a blessing. Was. He was God's gift to me, and now that I fell deeply in love with him, He is taking him away. 

I have nothing. He was the only thing that makes me feel alive, and living with a purpose. Now that he is gone. I felt like half of me is gone, and I don't know what to do.

This day is hard! This day is filled with tears..

I give up.

I'm surrendering to God. I tried my hardest, and it was not even close to good. 

I have HUGE faith in him and I...but it's worthless...He doesn't want it. He doesn't see it.

I wished he could see it. I wished he look at it through my eyes. But he's giving up. He gave up.

He gave up on me. He gave up on love. And I don't know why I bother...

So I'm giving up too...

I'm giving up to everything.

I'm disappointed and I'm just done trying.

I give up on love. and life.

Whatever God want to do with me...He can do so...

At this moment, I just don't care anymore. I am numb. 

The man I love so much and I thought love me the same...does not care. He gave up on me.

And God's timing is perfect...

Just when I thought everything is lining up, God took them away.

I'm in my 30s, I'm single again, my life is a mess and I'm a failure.

Whatever your plan is God... I hope this isn't it..

I have shed too many tears. I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm giving up this love. I'm giving up all love. i'm giving up whatever future I thought there is..

You can do whatever You want God. I'm just going to be still here.

I am done with today's emotional torture. sigh.....

Day 1 - Trying to Forget

I messaged him yesterday stating that I will keep on loving him..

I don't know if he received it...or read it...but it seems that the only place he has not blocked me is on skype...maybe. I don't know. Haven't tried to call him. But I said what needed to be said. I have been praying to God to give me the peace to let things go, to let him go..but the more I wanted peace, the stronger I believe that we are meant to be. There's a little voice that tells me to NOT give up. I am confused. If this relationship is not on God's will, why do I keep having this strong feelings of hope and to not give up? Why do everytime I pray, my faith in this keeps bigger? 

This must be a test! I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to do. I just keep on loving.

Day One.

It's hard. I have no way of reaching him. Or knowing whats he's doing. Coz he blocked me on Facebook. I know this is for the best to both of us... but I still can stop wondering.

My feelings are on roller coaster. There are moments I feel like God got this! I have faith in this. I believe God will restore what is broken. I know this is God's plan.... and then the lows where I can help but thinking, how can a person just give up because it's hard? What did I do? We were so close to being together. Why bailed on the promises made?

Am I not good enough? sigh...

I was confused in my prayers. I want to let go..and then I want to be reunited..

Last year he ended us just before Christmas. It was a horrible end of year and a horrible beginning  of the new year.. then we went back again a day after my birthday. Ever since, I been thanking and praying to God for another chance with him. I prayed that He give me patience, strength, and hopes that he will reunite us.

The Lord give me all that I prayed for in ways that I didn't imagine. 

Five months later, I woke up with a massage that he couldn't pretend that everything is ok anymore. He had too much in his mind that I couldn't understand. I asked him what happen, but he just go on and on about how this is not working and getting too much on him. 

I recognized the stress on his words. I have a lot to say, but I hold them back and told him to go deal with his problems and then come back to me. I told him to not block me, and he didn't.

Later I found out a lot of stuff going on. He's moving house because the old one was costing him so much money. But the moving itself will require him to spend some. We talked about my plane tickets to see him, and he stated that he will pay half the amount. But having all his savings on this moving and stuff, stressed him out that he feels that this will never happen. Then he pointed out other issues that his life is a messed.

I told him, I love you through all these messes and want to help you get through all it.

For three months I waited for him to settle and to calm. We stopped talking like we used to. Though I missed it, I try my hardest to give him his space. I stopped forcing him the ideas of us.

In that time of waiting, I learned how to be patience. Hard days, turns to weeks, turns to months...I learn my strength. And in this moments, I learned to be closer to God. To guide me in my acts. My faith grows stronger. And I believe that this relationship will work on His Will and Time.

And then into the scene, enters his ex. The one who crushed him. Although all this while, when he said he wants it to stop 3 months ago, all the single women suddenly just piled up on his doorstep, wanting a chance with him, flirting and suddenly caring, one after the other, including his best friend.. like vultures wanting a piece of him, and I know it. But I stepped back and just watch the circus, because I know him. He is flattered, but he is not interested. Until she was back into the picture...the ex.

I was disappointed, and I confronted him about it. He said he will never ever go back to that devil. She was a part of his history. Ok. Later I found out about her blogging about her addictions and she wrote a piece about him. That piece brought a lot of memories back to him, and stressed him out. 

I wished I could just shake the shit out of him. That was in the past, I respect it, made him who he is now, but I am the future who wants nothing more than creating a new history with him. One that will not disappoint him. One that filled with love. I wished he could see it...

Somehow, I convinced him that we can work this out. I will get on my own ticket and be with him. He told me, until I have the ticket on my hand, then he will believe it. But gave me hope!

I was thrilled! Although he said he will not be all lovey dovey and being like a boyfriend and girlfriend again, until he saw the ticket..I agree to that. 

My thought that since we both was just coming out of our dark places and found each other to help to get through it, I thought it would be a good idea to grow individually and be more stronger when we finally face to face.

But I don't know what happen. Or whatever he was thinking... a week later he told me that it's time for me to let him go. I thought he did want me to come visit. Let me work on it, and all he has to do is wait. His response was because there was too many oceans and hurdles to cross and he worries that this will be too much for me, only to come there and discover that he is not the man I thought he was.

I don't know if he realized it, but that sounds like the words from his ex'es blog. I asked him not to punish me for what happen on his past. I don't know what is troubling him. But I wished he knows that this is what I want. To be with him, through all the good and bad. And I know in my heart that he is a good man. And we have been good for each other. I wished he could see how hard I work for this relationship. I wished he could see that I have given him all of my heart, my promises and will bring nothing but good memories for the future. I don't only take what he offers...but I also give...

this time...it's just not enough..

And here we are...blocked. Shut off from his world. He choose to open his world again to his past over the woman who wants to be his future. He choose to be remained on disappointment and stillness rather than having to take this chance. 

And here I am too. Choosing to keep loving him. In Silent and still. this day was hard. But no one forgets their ex on the first day.. no one stop loving on the first day. But to think on bigger picture.. I haven't been his girlfriend for the last three months, it's just now that I had no contact with him..

I thought about him all day. And I wonder if he ever put me in his thoughts.

I prayed for God to bring me peace to let go.. but I was not in peace...I cried....

Today was hard.

sigh....